Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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