Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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