Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
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I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
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What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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