God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
