Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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