I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I just googled if crying burns calories
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
