they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
