Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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