Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
