OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
