I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I wish there were birth control emojis
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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