Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
