i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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