Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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