Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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