I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
