Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
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You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
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He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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