My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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