What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
