I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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