dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
