I am midnight drunk by noon
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
