i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
