your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
im on a boat
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