hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I want to fling myself into the sun
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
