Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
