I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
