I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
