i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
