I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
The best revenge is premature balding
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
