Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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