I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
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