My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I'm at about main and main street
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
