I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
