I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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