Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
