Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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