So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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