Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
