She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
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we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
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I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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