my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
