life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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