i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
