My entire life is one complicated drinking game
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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