I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
