I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
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