shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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