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Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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