he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
