I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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