i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
