I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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