She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
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