I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
