My room smells like vodka and shame
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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