the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
